Recycle Bin: Deleting As Therapy

I just cleared out my computer of all the unnecessary files and a bunch of stuff I had hanging around that I was never going to use, and oh boy, that feeling after a clear out is so reliable. That satisfaction and the feeling of having a clear, relaxed mind. It's the best. One of the greatest therapies.


Sometimes I can't stop this weird kind of nervousness. A feeling that something is going to go wrong at some point. I don't know when and I don't know where, but it's inevitable and I'm freaked out. I can get it from some minor, mundane, momentary issue that afterwards just lingers around me in the form of this weird fog of nervous anticipation. Or I can get it from being excited about something I'm going to do, because apparently big, fun adventures like holidays or meeting an online friend for the first time are also scary. There's an element of the unknown to it. There's an element of the unknown to basically everything. And it's scary.


A lot of the time, even when I don't consciously feel that way, I have bad dreams. Really scary dreams about the worst and weirdest things. Dreams that wake me up in the middle of the night and I find myself breathing hard. This sounds completely silly now I've put some distance between the dream and myself, but recently I dreamt that my boyfriend set fire to a hedgehog. It was so real and horrifying. Why would my brain come up with that? I'm guessing it's a general anxiety about things going wrong, about being hurt in some way. I hate the dreams because sometimes they make me scared to go to sleep.


When that weird, underlying anxiety appears, it's uneasy, but like I said, clearing out files helps a lot. Any kind of cleaning and tidying helps, because it makes me feel in control and like I am giving myself my best opportunity by keeping organised. Life is full of uncertainty and things that go wrong, but it's kinda worse being scared of a nameless thing that may never happen. I can't make myself fearless, but I can empty my recycle bin.

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