That's why I wanted to try out the whole gratitude journal thing. I think selfishness, self-pitying, and self-imposed misery is hard to measure. I don't think I personally can gauge whether or not I'm a selfish person. Maybe everyone is selfish on some level. Maybe I am exactly 47% selfish. I don't know. I do think I'm a pretty positive person, but I also think there are pockets of pessimism in specific areas that maybe I should examine. And hey, sometimes selfishness and pessimism are good things, so I don't want to weed out any semblance of humanity in me or punish myself for ever feeling a negative emotion, but I want to just see if keeping a gratitude journal helps me in any way. Maybe it can encourage me to focus more on the positive aspects of unpleasant situations. Maybe it can help me to be a more emotionally durable person. Maybe it will just make me think about cute puppies a little bit more.
I'm not going to analyse everything to within an inch of its life. I don't want to go too far in the direction of self-scrutiny. Right now I am just vaguely wondering some things. Am I too self-punishing? Am I honest enough with myself? What do I even understand about my own ways of processing emotions? Is it unhealthy to be so interested in this kind of mindfulness and self-improvement and stuff?
I think for the last few years I have thought of myself as 'a happy person'. I'm not sure when and why I decided to apply that label to myself, but I don't think it was an honest one. I'm not saying I'm a sad person. I don't think, really, that I'm a happy or a sad person. I am a person who feels different things (e.g. mild yet magical interest in carrot cake, delight upon being immersed in fog). I think there was some naivety and a desire to be in some way impressive behind the choice to think of myself as 'a happy person'. I am happy/content a lot, but it's a simplification. It's an assertion that presents me in a certain way. I'm not sure how I feel about it. It's context-dependent too, I suppose.
So in order to actually start this thing, I read some advice here. I'm not sure how often I'll aim to do this, but I want it to feel purposeful when I do. I want to focus on it properly, so I'll just try to do it whenever it feels natural.
Here's my first entry: