How To Chill Out: 10 Tips From A Wise Polar Bear

Here is a mysterious and cool (no pun intended) polar bear to tell you some important and useful ways that you can chill out. He is qualified in instructing you on this subject because he has a diploma in chilling and likes to take long walks inside the freezer. Please listen to his wisdom.

  1. Imagine you are a tiny particle of dust floating through a sunbeam. Nothing matters except the light dancing around you and the gentle, gentle drifting.
  2. Eat ice cream until you are ice cream.
  3. Give every last one of your possessions to a small child so that the small child can set up a profitable business venture selling crumpled print-outs of Dwayne 'The Rock' Johnson and packets of Lemsip (I'm implying that is all you own).
  4. Write a letter to your leg asking for advice. Legs are very knowledgeable and experienced.
  5. Call Richard Branson and ask if he wants to eat your homemade spaghetti and have a chat about the football (just pretend you know what football is for this scenario and Richard Branson will never know you are a lying fool who literally does not even know what a foot or a ball is). He will probably come over because he loves attention and spaghetti (me and Richard Branson have that in common) and then you will be very chilled out from the friendship time with spaghetti.
  6. Drink a cocktail, stroke a cat. Don't drink a cat and stroke a cocktail.
  7. Realise that nothing you do ultimately matters so it's okay to concentrate on your art career by drawing seven thousand pictures of Dwayne 'The Rock' Johnson befriending a tiny caterpillar.
  8. No.
  9. Drink some water very slowly and consider it your constant mission in life to ingest tiny amounts of water all the time. If you can make this your life's focus then you will be absolutely fine. Also, not many people know that this is actually how you learn things, because water is filled with facts.
  10. Print out your favourite pictures of baby animals and tape them to your eyeballs. Keep them there for the rest of your life. You will be the most chilled out person who exists. Until you walk into a lamppost.


Thank you so much for your comments, especially if they include limericks about skeletons.