12 Good Ways To Secretly Cry

Sometimes you need to let your face leak until you feel better, but sometimes you also need to hide your disturbing moisture from other people-shaped things who fear salty liquids, so here are some useful tips for disguising your tears.

  1. Hold a teddy bear in front of your face at least twenty three out of twenty four hours a day. It will absorb your tears and hold them lovingly.
  2. Use a wine glass to mask your biggest tears at dinner.
  3. Stand in the rain. This is a classic tactic for a reason.
  4. Pretend your tears are artistic gemstones that also move for some reason (attribute this to an emerging technology no-one understands). This works well if it is fashion week (isn't it always fashion week, at least in our hearts?).
  5. Have a very cute puppy beside you at all times and blame the puppy for your emotional response. Everyone will understand.
  6. Tell everyone crying is your performance art. Win the Turner Prize to really convince them.
  7. There must be onions nearby. Your eyes can sense them within a 2 mile radius.
  8. Blame it on a mascara wand that leapt viciously into your eye.
  9. Tell everyone that when you have water retention your eyes compensate by getting rid of as much fluid as they can.
  10. Say you must be allergic to something nearby.
  11. Say you have been overdoing it on eye exercises.
  12. Position yourself under an impressive waterfall and stay there. It is your home now.

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