You might not know this, but I possess all sorts of fascinating attributes that make me an ideal candidate for baking/cat-sitting/data entry/engineering/being a lizard/other: _______ (delete as applicable). Here is a (non-comprehensive) list of my skills.

  1. strong affinity with woodlice
  2. good at painting a wall for two minutes before passing out and mumbling about pasta whilst unconscious
  3. can draw a funky skeleton in MSPaint
  4. people pleaser, but moreover, spider pleaser
  5. really good at lying down on a variety of surfaces
  6. strong knowledge of the inside of crisp packets
  7. can read at least four sentences before thinking about lunch
  8. sometimes able to not brush hair for two days without dying by ripping skull from head on the third day
  9. can make cool acronyms, e.g. Angry Crow, Richard, Offends New York Mother
  10. able to carry at least seven snails to safety at any one time

Can all the excited potential employers who are reading this please contact me via the email address on my contact page, and please hurry up because I've got some important crisp packets to look into.


Thank you so much for your comments, especially if they include limericks about skeletons.