|me attacking my grandfather as a youth|
I've been thinking about past and memories. All of the sad and negative moments, all sparkling like shards of glass left after an accident. In the past, I held mistakes really close to my heart and always felt awful for them, sometimes even tiny ones. I'm a lot easier on myself now, but sometimes I still struggle to stop myself from clinging on to things I've done wrong. I used to pretty obsessively believe and fear that I was harming people by, well, existing. I spent so much energy worrying about it and feeling like every single thing I did was wrong. I can't tell you when this started, because I can't remember anything about a time before it was a thing, but I can tell you that I improved in bursts and stretches largely between the ages of 15 and 19. After that I was much, much better, but remnants were still there, and are still there (still decreasing bit by bit by bit).
|me being absolutely THE WORST at Twister|
Of course, I still made mistakes during and after that time, and I still found myself struggling to accept the reality of things that had happened because I wasn't always able to control/influence/alter my perception of and response to them and view things logically. And it's okay if I'm not completely mentally healthy all the time, because that's an inevitable part of being a person, but I am a lot better these days and I can see that mistakes and problems don't have to condemn me to total punishment. I am trying to encourage myself to be more and more rational and understanding with myself, because everyone screws up. If I can recognise a mistake, that is enough. I'm not going to let my feelings hold me hostage. I am a complex person, not the fairy tale expectation being written over in my brain. Who needs a fairy tale like that when you can have real life, and the smell of petrichor, and the creases in your duvet, and that particular frown you made on first seeing this year's UK Eurovision entry?